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Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

lynx853

11:20p long weekend new years for me was Great. it was really a life changing expirance. I got to hang out with 2 of my best friends and make new ones. Had a lot of time to talk about everything, like life decisions and goals, it really helped put things into perspective. I am now actively looking for a job out there. it made me realize it is time to start fresh and new. I really want to finish my 2 year degree at least though, and also try to do college. but if the right opertunity comes up, I'm gonna take it. All in all though if Destinee does ever come around, I would always drop everything for her. I love her. that's not going to change ever. I also realized I do need to live my life though to the fullest, and this is the time to do it, so I am going to do it. It would be awesome to have a partner in crime and best friend and lover to come with me on my adventures of awesomeness like Destinee, but I'm just going to have to do without her for now. I'm really excited about my new kitty I'm getting, thanks to Susan, Destinee's mom of all people. its a bangal cat, which is half lepard and totally awesome. my mom can't wait till it gets here either! Destinee called me New Years eve and we talked for about an hour. I was depressed pretty bad that day, thinking of her, and she flipped my day around and made me feel so much better. I don't even think she realized it. Going to Charlotte for new years helped me realize that I can start fresh. not only charlie, but bethany and her sister, jordan and kurtis are some of the nicest fun people I know. Really good hearted and awesome. I want and long to be a part of that, and escape the drama of northern virginia. I know I won't be completely happy till I finish school, because it's an accomplishment that I want to prove to myself that I can do, but hey VT is only 2 hours away from Charlotte, and I know Chuck is always down to come to watch a VT football game. the next 6 months are gonna be pretty crazy for me I feel, and I hope in a good way. maybe my prayers will be answered and I will be once again with Destinee. Maybe not. maybe I'll be living in charlotte, or going to virginia Tech. major decisions await me, and it's now that I must choose my path. what an awesome eye opening adventure.

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Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

lynx853

12:14a I wanted to put this up, so It wouldn't be lost -explaining to my service writer and friend Adrian Vigneault August 23 at 11:26am I thought I would fill you in, I think you deserve to know because my personal life effects my work life. I was dating my ex-girlfriend destinee since highschool for over 5 years. she ended up moving back to missouri last year to live with her family (and partily to do with me cause we broke up). we ended up getting back together and going on the cruise this summer and it was great. I told her after though that I couldn't do the distance thing anymore and broke it off, plus I didn't want to live in missouri. I cut contact with her and tried dating other people. It didn't work. Andre this girl is the soul reason I;m not into heavy drugs anymore, and the reason I turned my life around, got into cars and everything. I realized that without her I probobly wouldn't be alive right now. I am also i really indecisive person and was affraid of commitment. but the one thing I truely know 100 percent in my heart Is that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I realized its not your schooling, or where you work that matters in life. its the people you share your life with and love. So a few weeks ago I wrote destinee a letter telling her all of this. when she got it she called me. I found out she's dating some other guy and she likes him alot. she also told me she still has feelings for me but has no way of knowing if I was serious. mostly because she knew about my commitment issues and I go back and fourth alot. She said she needed to really think about it and needed time. I sent 2 more letters last week explaining that I can't liive my life without her and I feel empty inside. she was the only reason I am alive today, and honestly I can't keep living without her. I contacted my buddy's girlfriend who still talks to her. she dosn't even like me that much but then realized I was dead serious about her. she told me words and letters mean nothing unless you act on it. I told her she was right and that I was going to go suprise her without any notice and drive to missouri. then I thought to myself that destinee needs to truely know I am serious, and I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So i did what I known I should of done a long time ago. I bought her a ring. (it was a special order so i had it overnighted, hence why I told you I had to leave work as soon as my mom called when it was delivered) it has a blue saphire on each side of the diamond because it reminded me most of her beautiful blue eyes, and I didn't want her to have some plain average ring because she is so special to me. as soon as it came in I left and drove 15 hours straight to missouri. I got there at 5am our time (crosses a time zone) and first went to her moms house. (she stays at her dads) I rang the doorbell no knowing if she would slam the door in my face and tell me to leave or invite me in. she opened the door and hugged me and told me she knew I would come. she invited me in and told me about destinee's boyfriend. hes 33 years old, twice divorced and has daughters, the oldest is 14. mind you destinee is 22. she knew about the first letter and said to go see destinee at her work because she gets off at 12 and being a friday you can't track her down after. So I did and she was absolutly floored. apperently she was just talking to her co-workers about me and they said if I really ment what I said I would be here right now... then here I came and walked though the door. I helped her finish up at work and she was nervous about what her boyfriend would think because they already made plans that night and for saturday. she went and talked to him and toild me that we could hang out friday but she was gonna go hang out with him friday night because he was freaking out. but all day saturday could be us. so we sat and talked at her mom's house. and she said the same thing on how she wants to believe me, but she really likes her bf now, and doesn't know if I was serious or not even if I just did drive a thousand miles across the US to see her. ( I could tell she put up and emotional wall so she wouldn't let her feelings get hurt again) then I told her how I felt. I spilled my guts. then I told her that I knew she needed time and I would wait forever for her. I didn't need an answer now. And I proposed to her. at that point I could tell I took down that wall she had up. and it was no longer like talking to an aquaintence but it was like talking to the destinee I know and love. we hung out untill that evening and she went to hang out with her bf and I drove to her dad's house and talked to him. he said what destinee's decision is, its hers. he said he had no problem with me at all and only she can decide. I then got a phone call from destinee and she was crying. her boyfriend I think assumed because she was with him that night that saturday was back on and I was out of the picture. he got upset and told her that she needed to decide by 5am if she wanted to be with him or me. then she said she would call me back she called back around 1 am. she told me her plan was to go to his house at 5 am because she didn't want to end her relationship this way. but she also said she still needs time to think about me. she told me that she wasn't going to say she broke it off with me but just show up and leave it at that. then said she would be by at 4 am to say goodbye to me. she came at 4 and we talked. she went and told me that she has no intentions of leading me on. she's more worried that my feelings will fade for her over time because it might be a few months before she decides. BUT she also said with that she does ultimatly know what she's going to do but needs time to do it and didn't want her relationship with her boyfriend to end this way. I told her I would wait as long as it takes because she's all I have left in life. I also told her that I promised myself I would only give one ring in my lifetime and it would only be to my true love and soulmate. she said she was sorry about me having to leave that saturday, but I knew she had to do what she had to do. we both have always understood eachother even without having to speak the words. at that point I told her I was sorry, but I had to do it. and we kissed. and andre let me tell you, at that point I knew that the entire trip was worth it. she said she was really happy and glad I came. I explained to her that I didn't only do it for her. I HAD to do it for me. I had to know I did absolutly everything in my power to show her that I love her untill the day I die. she also understood this. we said our goodbyes and she left. I walked back inside her moms house and her mom was there to hug me and told me she hopes and prays everything will work out in the end. I left yesterday morning and drove 1000mi back home in 13.5 hours. and here I am now. destinee told me to stay strong, keep a smile on my face, work hard and to think positive thoughts. she said that smiling and thinking positive does work. then she said I have to work had and save money because I'm gonna need to be ready to go there when the time is right. So that's what I'm going to do, because I know I won't ever love somebody else as much as I love her, or go through as many life changing events with any body else. she made me who I am today. right before we said goodbye I told her I think of this as a test of our love, and we both agreed if we can both pass it we can do anything. so that's my story so far, and I knew I had to write to you because If I told you at work I wouldn't of been able to fight back my tears. I know it might of been more then you wanted to know but sometimes love makes you do some crazy things sometimes. ever wake up after driving halfway across the US and wonder what the hell you are doing there? haha. I went there without knowing what would happen, and I honestly think it ended up making all the difference. I'll see you at work on monday

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Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

lynx853

11:55p thinking again I was just thinking about when I left for florida. I remember all my friends comming with me to fudruckers to say bye, and then my mom and Destinee comming with me to the train station. I was so blinded with excitement that I didn't think more into the situation. it wasn't until later that she told me when I got on the train they both cried together. It's moments like these that I wish I could of noticed or seen. moments that would of told me deep in my heart that even though destinee never said much around my mom. they shared their love for me. I feel like such an idiot sometimes. I know I am dwelling in the past, but I can't help but to reflect on moments in my life that stick out like that. I remember always looking into her eyes, even when she was upset. I would get lost in them sometimes. I also remember having to look away at times. It was because I knew that she could see right through me. when she looked at me it was like she was staring into my soul, I would feel ashamed that I couldn't be better for her. be what she totally wanted. the truth is AT THAT TIME I had no Idea what i wanted, or if i did there was always constant doubt in my head. I was talking to peyton today about that. after all thats happened I learned something really important. I learned that it doesn't matter. fuck everyone else that say you can do better, or that ever put doubts in your head. if anything it makes them not your true friends. the only thing that should matter is who makes YOU happy, and not to compromise. Destinee truly made me happy. really happy. she would do anything for me. I'm just an idiot. I was stubborn, and was too afraid about what others thought. destinee was my everything. relationships are all about give and take, and I just wouldn't give. I now realize I would give anything to have her in my arms again. I still have hope on someday, even if I'm old and grey that her hand will be in mine again. I think one of the hardest things besides losing your true love, is loosing your best friend. I mean best friend to the end of the world. we would talk about anything and everything. at almost 7 years we had such a connection that there was no explination of family or anything else that had to be said. we both already knew what eachother were talking about. we KNEW eachother, every odd and end. I miss that. right now I started to heavly lean on friends to try and get though this amoung staying busy with work and school. I also decided to further space myself away from the "friends" that I know inside are not good people. treat others how you would like to be treated. I'm trying to change who I am and my image to become truly a better person, and attempt to make better decisions in my life. mind you I am not perfect. mark, peyton, mikey and I are stopping drinking... for me till june, with the exceptions of my birthday and the yingling 10mile run at the after party. Substances seem to always sneak into my life and have a negitive effect, they twist my thinking, and I don't want to have to rely on them to make me feel happy. as sappy and stupid as it sounds. I was happy with Destinee, and I would give up drinking for the rest of my life if thats what it would take to have her back. I think my favorate times with her were having fun, just me and her, sober. we would laugh and play together and have good clean fun. it was awesome. in other news I have 9 credits left at nova before I can transfer, that means ill be done this spring and will be able to transfer in fall. I'm scared and don't know what to do. I don't know what major I want to do, or what school to go to anymore. in all honesty I just want to go to missouri and find a job and be with her. get our own place together, build a pullin' tractor, go traveling and have fun. then eventually settle down and have kids... a boy and girl, and grow old together. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. my heart has never longed for someone so bad, it just drives me crazy. I used to think that when erin broke up with me it was the hardest thing emotionally in my life. this is definetly worse. by a million. I don't think she truly realizes the extent that I think of her on a daily basis. I'm still paying off the loan for a ring, that might never be put into use... but If i was given the chance again to do it, I would do it in a heart beat, even with the same outcome. I just wish I did it on the cruise, or actually did drive to MO for the 4th of july, like I wanted to. I know I can't change the past. But as God is my witness, I love her with all my heart and soul.

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Sunday, December 27th, 2009

lynx853

3:42p christmas all I wanted for christmas was a phonecall from her. She knew that but I still didn't get one. I know she's been stressed out and everything with work and the holidays, but it's the little things that really matter sometimes. sometimes I think to myself if I'm obsessing over her. then again thats why I write here. I need to just vent everything out, I mean nobody wants to hear about my ranting over some girl that his heart belongs to for months at a time. the more I hang out with bayla while she's in town, the more I realize why I knew things wouldn't work. she can be a little crazy, espically when drinking. its like a switch is thrown and if you say one wrong thing she snaps. oh well. fuck it. my mom really liked the ear rings I got her, and my brother liked his northface shirt. I didn't really get anything too great, but this year I realized it was a lot more about family, cause thats what really matters to me now. the presents don't matter, I actually cared more about the cards, and what they said inside, and the people who called me to wish me a merry christmas. Susan finally called me, and she's doing ok. I might try to call her later tonight when she's done with her christmas meal and such, I'm just glad she's ok. I called destinee a the day before christmas eve, and we talked about her mom. I was pretty stern on the phone with her instead of just being nice and emotional how I useally get, because she needed to hear some things that couldn't be sugar coated. when we were about to hang up I knew she was on boarderline defencive mode, but I told her I still loved her, and I could hear her tone change when I said it. I think and hope that deep in her heart she does truly know that I will always love her and be here for her reguardless of the situation. things are never going to always be smooth... I mean shit, how smooth can it be? I have a non existant relationship with her! but I will always be there. beer olympics was a ton of fun for me and I got to just be there with my best friends and not have a care in the world. it gave a little less stress into adrian's life. sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing anymore though... I hope the path I'm taking is the right one.

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